Guard your mindset

I've noticed lately that I was losing my joy in life, my ability to be satisfied and grateful. Although life has been treating me good lately, giving me everything I've been dreaming of, I wasn't able to enjoy that, to actually feel gratitude. I got stuck in this vicious circle of complaining-- complaining about life, the country, the stupidity of people around me, the futility of it all. As if nothing is enough, nothing is incomplete.

And yesterday, I felt I've had enough and decided to reflect on this. I noticed that my brain was rewired to repeat what everyone around me is saying every single day: life is crap. people are crap. This wave of darkness and hopeless worldview took strong hold of me and influenced my attitude towards life, those around me, and myself.

And now, I decided to rewire my brain back to my more natural worldview. The one that God gave me a long time ago-- one that believed in the beauty of life and creatures, in the inherent goodness of people despite the evil, in our strength as God's light in the world, that actions speak stronger than words.

I'll be more watchful of my mindset from now on. 

Losing the happiness

Sometimes I struggle to find meaning in life. Yes, I wake up everyday, go to to work, do stuffs I like, but I keep asking myself if I'm going anywhere or simply wasting time. I'm not taking about goals, but rather a bigger purpose in life, something I live for. Before, I used to try so hard not to give in. But now, it seems that my energy is running out slowly.

I feel so disconnected from everything around me-- from myself, the people, it's like being in a cocoon. And everything starts to feel cold and dull. Even the things that I once enjoyed slowly lose their glamour.

Anyway, I'm still determined to get back to my mindful life, where I felt more connected and in harmony with the being.

And my first action will be: complain less, thank more.

I'll keep this space updated. 

Post-Revolution Disorder

Banksy-Waiting in Vain

Nothing harder than catching a glimpse of freedom only to be snatched away from you; knowing what peace of mind is before falling into waves of turbulence; tasting passionate love before landing into a desert of nothingness.

Nothing like knowledge-- the knowledge of having, of being.

Nothing like incomplete revolutions.

Nothing like a broken clock.

I still dream of the freedom I once tasted in this country. I still dream of the peaceful me, that carefree soul who once believed in love. I still dream of love. That love that turned out to be anything but love.

I still dream of everything I once had, I once was.

I still dream of a complete revolution. 

Mindfulness in Relationships-- "I AM SORRY"

For some time, I stopped writing because I thought "well, mindfulness is too much work and life will be always the same shit." this is how I thought, until a week ago, when I realized that a very important relationship in my life was crumbling because all what I was thinking of in this relationship was myself.

Too many expectations, I'm expecting you to show care, to call, to ask, to offer...too many expectations that I don't enjoy what is actually being offered because I'm waiting on what I have in my mind. I want it THIS WAY. And of course, when the other person doesn't feel appreciated for what he is doing, that he can't give enough to satisfy me, he stops and gives up.

Both of us are looking for the "safe space" in each other where we forget all the pain and hurt we've been through in life. Yet, both of us are coming to this space with a baggage, a heavy weight that will only fall hard on the other person's shoulder; so we keep throwing and throwing until we realize that the "Safe space" is gradually turning into the same "viscous abusive cycle" we've been trapped in in past relationships.

And this is where I stopped recently to ask myself "what went wrong?" how did the love turn into a weakness? when did the ego come in our way so that instead of enjoying each other's presence, we keep thinking of "who is to blame?" as if we're enemies, not lovers.

This happens over and over again-- in love relationships, in friendships, in family relations...everywhere.


Today, I woke and realized I haven't been practicing mindfulness in my life in general, and maybe this is why my ego is popping up strong and sharp. I have some practices in my mind that I need to explore in my life in general when it comes to relationships and will be reflecting on them here.


The first thing I did today was to say "I am sorry." Even if deep inside I don't believe I did a mistake. I am sorry for the pain and the hurt and the ego trying to prove it's always right. Apology mends the broken heart cause it's always coming from a place of love, of appreciation, of repentance.


Namaste... 

The Buffer Zone

I stopped writing in this blog for sometime because I’ve put aside mindful living. The reason for this is that life got crazy, my mind got busy, and I slowly drifted away from the mindful living into the dreadful rollercoaster of life. At first, right after I finished my career break and got back to the daily hustle and bustle of usual business, I promised myself that I would continue the mindful lifestyle- being aware of every move, every word, and every thought. That meant that I had to protect that mindful territory of mine, sometimes by taking radical measures such as cutting down the socialization or taking weekend breaks in total isolation. Gradually, life pushed me back into the easier route— the one where you do what others are doing and saying what others will be happy hearing. See, it usually about is peer pressure to act unmindful and unconscious as everybody else around you.

Today was one of those few days where I woke up with nothing much to do, yet I felt that noise in my head caused by unending waves of thoughts and emotional burden. I wanted to run away from it and tried the usual gimmicks— eating, opening my pc and scrolling mindlessly through the rattles on my FB page, checking my do list to see what I need to do today, or trying to sleep— yet nothing of all of this made any difference, actually they only deepened my exhaustion and restlessness. Yet, suddenly I remembered the times where I started my day by meditation— a habit that always brought peacefulness and focus to my mind and body. For some reason, when my life gets so crazy and I’m in the most need for this practice, it seems faraway and unattainable. It’s like when you become unfit and you know the solution is exercising, yet being unfit makes it harder to exercise— a vicious cycle it is. 

But today I had no choice but to make peace with it. I was feeling drained and had no other option. I sat on my little pillow on the floor and closed my eyes. At first, the waves of thoughts and scenes popped up in front of me in an attempt to bring me down. It was like a pandora box that once you open it, the contents flood out uncontrollably. For me, this is the most difficult time in the meditation. Yet, I was patient enough to wait in silence with my eyes closed, cause I knew what was to waiting for me. Slowly, the flood of thoughts slowed down together with my breath. I started to regain awareness of my body senses, one by one, and my train of thoughts finally came to a stop and rested there. And this is the moment where I felt I’m regaining myself slowly, a moment where my mind felt empty and clear, where my body started ridding itself of all the burden and came to neutrality, and I was finally able to rest. 

It is a life changing practice. Even after I finish the meditation session and open my eyes to the crazy world, I start thinking of how much we are tied down to this unending spiral of thoughts and action; how much we tend to lose ourselves in this world and become someone who isn’t us in the first place. But today I remembered my buffer zone that is always there for me whenever I need to take a break from the non-ending war of the world. It is a bliss!