Mindfulness in Relationships-- "I AM SORRY"

For some time, I stopped writing because I thought "well, mindfulness is too much work and life will be always the same shit." this is how I thought, until a week ago, when I realized that a very important relationship in my life was crumbling because all what I was thinking of in this relationship was myself.

Too many expectations, I'm expecting you to show care, to call, to ask, to offer...too many expectations that I don't enjoy what is actually being offered because I'm waiting on what I have in my mind. I want it THIS WAY. And of course, when the other person doesn't feel appreciated for what he is doing, that he can't give enough to satisfy me, he stops and gives up.

Both of us are looking for the "safe space" in each other where we forget all the pain and hurt we've been through in life. Yet, both of us are coming to this space with a baggage, a heavy weight that will only fall hard on the other person's shoulder; so we keep throwing and throwing until we realize that the "Safe space" is gradually turning into the same "viscous abusive cycle" we've been trapped in in past relationships.

And this is where I stopped recently to ask myself "what went wrong?" how did the love turn into a weakness? when did the ego come in our way so that instead of enjoying each other's presence, we keep thinking of "who is to blame?" as if we're enemies, not lovers.

This happens over and over again-- in love relationships, in friendships, in family relations...everywhere.


Today, I woke and realized I haven't been practicing mindfulness in my life in general, and maybe this is why my ego is popping up strong and sharp. I have some practices in my mind that I need to explore in my life in general when it comes to relationships and will be reflecting on them here.


The first thing I did today was to say "I am sorry." Even if deep inside I don't believe I did a mistake. I am sorry for the pain and the hurt and the ego trying to prove it's always right. Apology mends the broken heart cause it's always coming from a place of love, of appreciation, of repentance.


Namaste... 

The Buffer Zone

I stopped writing in this blog for sometime because I’ve put aside mindful living. The reason for this is that life got crazy, my mind got busy, and I slowly drifted away from the mindful living into the dreadful rollercoaster of life. At first, right after I finished my career break and got back to the daily hustle and bustle of usual business, I promised myself that I would continue the mindful lifestyle- being aware of every move, every word, and every thought. That meant that I had to protect that mindful territory of mine, sometimes by taking radical measures such as cutting down the socialization or taking weekend breaks in total isolation. Gradually, life pushed me back into the easier route— the one where you do what others are doing and saying what others will be happy hearing. See, it usually about is peer pressure to act unmindful and unconscious as everybody else around you.

Today was one of those few days where I woke up with nothing much to do, yet I felt that noise in my head caused by unending waves of thoughts and emotional burden. I wanted to run away from it and tried the usual gimmicks— eating, opening my pc and scrolling mindlessly through the rattles on my FB page, checking my do list to see what I need to do today, or trying to sleep— yet nothing of all of this made any difference, actually they only deepened my exhaustion and restlessness. Yet, suddenly I remembered the times where I started my day by meditation— a habit that always brought peacefulness and focus to my mind and body. For some reason, when my life gets so crazy and I’m in the most need for this practice, it seems faraway and unattainable. It’s like when you become unfit and you know the solution is exercising, yet being unfit makes it harder to exercise— a vicious cycle it is. 

But today I had no choice but to make peace with it. I was feeling drained and had no other option. I sat on my little pillow on the floor and closed my eyes. At first, the waves of thoughts and scenes popped up in front of me in an attempt to bring me down. It was like a pandora box that once you open it, the contents flood out uncontrollably. For me, this is the most difficult time in the meditation. Yet, I was patient enough to wait in silence with my eyes closed, cause I knew what was to waiting for me. Slowly, the flood of thoughts slowed down together with my breath. I started to regain awareness of my body senses, one by one, and my train of thoughts finally came to a stop and rested there. And this is the moment where I felt I’m regaining myself slowly, a moment where my mind felt empty and clear, where my body started ridding itself of all the burden and came to neutrality, and I was finally able to rest. 

It is a life changing practice. Even after I finish the meditation session and open my eyes to the crazy world, I start thinking of how much we are tied down to this unending spiral of thoughts and action; how much we tend to lose ourselves in this world and become someone who isn’t us in the first place. But today I remembered my buffer zone that is always there for me whenever I need to take a break from the non-ending war of the world. It is a bliss! 

Too Much Knowledge Isn't Good!

some time ago, I used to crave any kind of information about anything, thinking that I should be updated with all the affairs of life. This appeared especially at work where I wanted to be engaged in all conversations "gossips" in the workplace, believing that this makes me powerful and up to date with whatever is happening. Yet, that harmed me more than it empowered me, since I only had a limited heart and mind, and by not filtering what comes inside, I often felt overwhelmed. With time, I realized that important knowledge gets wasted amid trivial stuff. And so gradually, I decided to change my attitude towards accessing knowledge. I decided to engage only in meaningful conversations and to choose succinctly what I say and what I choose to let inside. My filters were prepped up and my time and effort wisely used.

So next time you feel overwhelmed by the flood of unprocessed information, words, and feelings, put your filters up and check the access points (be it media, face to face conversations or simply surrounding noise) and figure out a way to filter out only what's meaningful and relevant before its gets inside of you for processing and saving.

Namaste! 

Respect The Waiting Season

We need to accept the fact that life will always have its ups and downs. There is a season for ploughing, a season for planting, a season for waiting, and a season for harvesting.  There are some seasons that are more celebrated than others, like the harvesting season, and there are seasons that are looked down upon like the waiting season. However, if we looked deeper, we will see that all the seasons are equal in importance, for they all contribute towards the final outcome.

I'm speaking about this because currently I'm passing by a waiting season. I've ploughed my land, planted the seeds, and now I'm waiting. Unlike farming, in real life you don't really know how long you will be waiting, maybe a month, and maybe a year. You just need to have faith in the process. The other challenge is that you don't really know the outcome of the waiting, the crops might not turn out as you've expected. But again, it's all part of the process that needs to be respected and accepted.

So, how to deal with the waiting season? Is it just a matter of putting our lives on hold until something turns out? I believe it's a matter of perspectives. You can consider the waiting period as a preparation period as well, for the labor time will soon follow, and so you need to prepare yourself. I usually use this period for spiritual, emotional and mental growth, working on myself, my body as well. I use it as an investment time to further develop my knowledge, skills and strengthen my spiritual life. So, at least, I don't see it as wasted time, but a time most appreciated and used.

So, eventually, my two cents are, don't run away from the waiting season, or try to make it shorter or cry over it. Respect it. Respect the meaning behind it, and prepare yourself for what will be waiting for you afterwards.

Namaste!