I stopped writing in this blog for sometime because I’ve put aside mindful living. The reason for this is that life got crazy, my mind got busy, and I slowly drifted away from the mindful living into the dreadful rollercoaster of life. At first, right after I finished my career break and got back to the daily hustle and bustle of usual business, I promised myself that I would continue the mindful lifestyle- being aware of every move, every word, and every thought. That meant that I had to protect that mindful territory of mine, sometimes by taking radical measures such as cutting down the socialization or taking weekend breaks in total isolation. Gradually, life pushed me back into the easier route— the one where you do what others are doing and saying what others will be happy hearing. See, it usually about is peer pressure to act unmindful and unconscious as everybody else around you.
Today was one of those few days where I woke up with nothing much to do, yet I felt that noise in my head caused by unending waves of thoughts and emotional burden. I wanted to run away from it and tried the usual gimmicks— eating, opening my pc and scrolling mindlessly through the rattles on my FB page, checking my do list to see what I need to do today, or trying to sleep— yet nothing of all of this made any difference, actually they only deepened my exhaustion and restlessness. Yet, suddenly I remembered the times where I started my day by meditation— a habit that always brought peacefulness and focus to my mind and body. For some reason, when my life gets so crazy and I’m in the most need for this practice, it seems faraway and unattainable. It’s like when you become unfit and you know the solution is exercising, yet being unfit makes it harder to exercise— a vicious cycle it is.
But today I had no choice but to make peace with it. I was feeling drained and had no other option. I sat on my little pillow on the floor and closed my eyes. At first, the waves of thoughts and scenes popped up in front of me in an attempt to bring me down. It was like a pandora box that once you open it, the contents flood out uncontrollably. For me, this is the most difficult time in the meditation. Yet, I was patient enough to wait in silence with my eyes closed, cause I knew what was to waiting for me. Slowly, the flood of thoughts slowed down together with my breath. I started to regain awareness of my body senses, one by one, and my train of thoughts finally came to a stop and rested there. And this is the moment where I felt I’m regaining myself slowly, a moment where my mind felt empty and clear, where my body started ridding itself of all the burden and came to neutrality, and I was finally able to rest.
It is a life changing practice. Even after I finish the meditation session and open my eyes to the crazy world, I start thinking of how much we are tied down to this unending spiral of thoughts and action; how much we tend to lose ourselves in this world and become someone who isn’t us in the first place. But today I remembered my buffer zone that is always there for me whenever I need to take a break from the non-ending war of the world. It is a bliss!
