For some time, I stopped writing because I thought "well, mindfulness is too much work and life will be always the same shit." this is how I thought, until a week ago, when I realized that a very important relationship in my life was crumbling because all what I was thinking of in this relationship was myself.
Too many expectations, I'm expecting you to show care, to call, to ask, to offer...too many expectations that I don't enjoy what is actually being offered because I'm waiting on what I have in my mind. I want it THIS WAY. And of course, when the other person doesn't feel appreciated for what he is doing, that he can't give enough to satisfy me, he stops and gives up.
Both of us are looking for the "safe space" in each other where we forget all the pain and hurt we've been through in life. Yet, both of us are coming to this space with a baggage, a heavy weight that will only fall hard on the other person's shoulder; so we keep throwing and throwing until we realize that the "Safe space" is gradually turning into the same "viscous abusive cycle" we've been trapped in in past relationships.
And this is where I stopped recently to ask myself "what went wrong?" how did the love turn into a weakness? when did the ego come in our way so that instead of enjoying each other's presence, we keep thinking of "who is to blame?" as if we're enemies, not lovers.
This happens over and over again-- in love relationships, in friendships, in family relations...everywhere.
Today, I woke and realized I haven't been practicing mindfulness in my life in general, and maybe this is why my ego is popping up strong and sharp. I have some practices in my mind that I need to explore in my life in general when it comes to relationships and will be reflecting on them here.
The first thing I did today was to say "I am sorry." Even if deep inside I don't believe I did a mistake. I am sorry for the pain and the hurt and the ego trying to prove it's always right. Apology mends the broken heart cause it's always coming from a place of love, of appreciation, of repentance.
Namaste...
